I am going through a divorce. I am 24/25 years old and at a point in my life where what I am going through is significantly. So significant to the point it affects my mood, my internal perception, as well as things such as basic desires of sleeping and eating and interest and hobbies. Seven months ago I was happy, even grateful, to stay home and relax. Now I can’t stand to be home. While i require my own sense of solitude and personal time of reflection or explore hobbies, Now more than ever I hate going home. I have no interest in staying home for extended periods but I have really no choice outside of it, not yet at least. I often find myself wondering about dating and to be honest I never really enjoyed dating. I enjoyed going out on dates with someone I knew or loved, but doing it with someone new for the first time is by far the most frustrating concept. Anymore it’s like a job interview, and you’re not always sure if it’s a job you want or you wonder why you’re participating.
It’s stressful. Especially in today’s society. Anymore a Man can really be all but dehumanized by the interaction in so many ways. Just by asking someone out, we’re in a societal double standard. Sometimes this double standard is on both ends but it’s almost entirely discouraged on one end and encouraged on the other. You get to the point where, if a Large Male of questionable attractiveness asks a Thin beautiful woman out, she is likely to say ‘no.’ which is never the problem. The problem goes when her friends publicly demonize that man for asking the woman out. While if a man who is thin attractive turns down a date from a larger woman, he is demonized from her friends again for being a creep or a jerk. Not to say that the man isn’t encircled around friends who do the same, but if the men are overheard doing this they are demonized. Now this isn’t something i’ve encountered personally, but I have seen hundreds of examples from it.
This whole notion scares me. I am already questioning my own sense of self-worth and my own sense of attractiveness to others. In fact I would say I am constantly questioning it to the point where it often drives me crazy. That’s the trade off I find in attempting to find something in the style relationship style interaction. When it comes to dating that pressure is worse. And I am certainly at a point where it scares me to go on a date. A date is suppose to be two people doing a fun activity or in some sort of gathering (i.e. restaurant or coffee shop) and talking about each other. A trade off in that they ask about you, you ask about them. Then you really see what the compatible features are as well as the internal workings of viewpoints. Most often they all clash in numerous ways but the ways that connect seem to mean more. The date is frustrating anymore. Anymore it’s balancing an enjoyable activity, learning about the other person, giving them adequate information about yourself and hoping you like them, and hoping more they like you. It becomes a series of interviews where you’re constantly throwing around your qualities and discovering theirs, except a job interview is a bit more straightforward in approach. Anymore it takes only a couple times for anyone to really know whether they’re gonna click with someone and often the other person is always profoundly caught in the storm and excitement of it all that the completely dissociate the idea of not having a connection.
Coming into a time where I am separated from something I have been apart of for the last 6 years is a scary notion and I am going to waters that are entirely frightening. I can be happy about myself but when you’re with someone for a long amount of time it seems there is a developed eco-dependance. A need for someone there to understand you and comfort you. Most of the time this notion is often confused with sexual tension, which is certainly at it’s highest coming out of something. But I find myself unsure if a full relationship is the right step for me to take. I know my own limitations as a physical person, what is and isn’t going to happen. I know that even if my heart was in it that sleeping around isn’t what I would really want or need. I find myself at a point, due to numerous stressors where I need a person more or less there for emotional comfort. It takes me back to a time in my marriage where things felt the best, and I had felt comfort in being held a night and holding someone at night. It was an emotional security of acceptance and knowledge that, as things develop, will be alright.
So anymore I find myself needing to have those times where i can lay with someone who understands my struggles as a full time working parent and offer acceptance and understanding. It’s something I am certain is nowhere to be found, but it is something that I can certainly say outloud that I am needing. Some will probably argue that I need a relationship or I just need sex and I don’t necessarily agree with that. Not to say those things aren’t ideal to have, but I don’t know in what way i could manage that psychologically (and wouldn’t be able to, honestly, until it happened.) We all have our desires and needs and I certainly feel mine veer closer to stereotyped males than I’d probably like.
I think if anything being as upfront and honest about what I need is going to help calm me down and allow me to adjust a little bit better. I have no illusions that I will gain anything of the sort. I have no confidence that I will find a relationship or anything more than a friendship, based on numerous factors of my life, situation, and overall output. At best what I can do is be honest with myself, try to muster courage where I can find it and try to move on. At worst i can be told ‘No.’ and not really think beyond that. Either way i find it scary to go forward in any sense because I am constantly fighting uphill battles with myself. I devote as much time as possible to my kid because that is all I really feel like I have left. I know there’s a lot my kid can do for me and a lot he can’t, and I know i feel a lot of the needs of stuff he can’t do like empathise and understand the stress I am going through.
At its core what i am seeking is to be held, to hold, and to be understood. If that can happen that would be the most beneficial thing I could imagine in life right now, and if it develops to something even better. But i refuse to disallusion myself and think that it is going to happen, because in all likelihood it won’t. So i try to go in with as little expectations as possible and hope for the best.